Wow

It's been so long since I have been on here.... Recently the experiences in my life have worn me down so tuff that I am starting not to be able to cope. Where should I start??

Well last June I met this man... I thought that I was really in love but again something happened. He got really mad at me one night and slammed my head against window and also pulled my hair. To say the least that relationship ended. But not as qucikly as one my think. Many of us say that when a man hits us that we will move on but its not always possible. There is a fear that overcomes you so much that you are afraid to move to breath.  It took all i had to move from that situation and I moved right into another bad one.

On Feb 14, 2009 I met this dude that i thought was the love of my life. Love at first sight at first conversation at first touch. He made me nervous I was always afraid to speak because i didn't know what to say. His presence brought this warmth over me that made me fall in love every time we met. But my dreams were squashed real quick. He had a girlfriend..a babymama if you will. And they were together. I still talked to him out of stupidity because idk i'm stupid..

In March he "broke" up with her and we spent more and more time together

On April 21, 2009 he told me that he found a new girlfriend.. This girl was not me.... I cried and had a real bad breakdown....

On July 4, 2009 he and his girlfriend broke up and he just wanted to be single. We hung everyday until something strange happened... He started disappearing. and then On August 10, 2009 he is now back with his babymama

The equation equals i am not important enough for him to want me. He can sleep with me but not title me.

I WILL BOUNCE BACK! I WILL BE STRONGER...I JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN........

Stupid Girl....

 Have you ever met a girl that was so in love with a man that no matter what he did or said or did not do she still stood by his side and defended him. Usually when you see that girl, you really feel sorry for her. You think to yourself, damn that chick is silly, damn when is she going to see that she is being mentally and emotionally abused by this man. Damn she needs to let that go! You look at that girl with disqust because you know her mother taught her better than that. You look at her and think... If she really went to church like she said she did she ould love herself enought to know that she is being soo stupid.. I look at these girls and think DAMN. I bet you do to. So I have a question for you may Xanga friends.....

What do you do when you realize that you are that STUPID GIRL?

I have been in a realtionship for almost two years. (off and on... mostly off) I have given my heart and soul to a man that clearly does not love me back and never will. Now, don't just think that I am being hard on myself. You may ask..."Why do you think he does not love you or never will." Well my friends he told me... YEP Two days ago...

Now any normal person would have prayed and moved on but no not me not Kamillah you see I am so much in love that I tried to come up with ways to get this..."MAKE HIM LOVE ME"  I prayed to GOD to "MAKE HIM LOVE ME"

But he doesn't I am just someone he has sex with......... I will never be anything more in his eyes.... and now I am once again alone...

Now this is a long blog where I have just told you all of my business.... but I would like you to know that at this point I don't care... and that scares me... I just don't care anymore....

2007 IS A NEW YEAR!!!!

DISCLOSURE: (IF YOU THINK THAT I AM TALKING TO YOU... THEN I AM... IF YOU ARE MY FRIEND THEN I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU HOW I FEEL AND YOU DON'T NEED TO READ THIS BECAUSE IT DOSEN'T APPLY TO YOU)

2007 is a new year. It is supposed to be a good year. I am going to try to be happy this year. Recently one of my friends told me, I was negative... This friend to me I was always talking about unhappy things.... But you know something... It's not something I try to do...It's not something I wish upon myself....  So Let me break it down for you....

Why Kamillah is Like she is.....

• You see many people have parents. I also have parents. I have one parent who tries so very hard to love me but truly resents me because I am the main reason for her failing marriage. Now don't get me wrong my mother loves me and shes there but I can count on one hand the amount of times she has hugged me or kissed me. When I was 5 my father told me that he didn't love me and when I was 18 I tried to make him love me. So I learned  LESSON # 1: You can't make anyone love you.
• When I got to school all the children treated me differently because I liked different things. I wasn't black enough because I talked white and listened to "white music." I am different and I accept that. LESSON # 2: You can't make people accept you.
• 99% of the friends I have in life have betrayed me No one seems to care about my feelings and How I feel.... No one takes the time to listen to my problems but then they all get mad when I don't care to hear about theirs. I am there for everyone... I WOULD GO THROUGH THE FIRE FOR MOST OF YA'LL  but when it comes time for me to talk no one wants to listen.... so I learned LESSON # 3: Besides the Lord, You are all alone in this world.

You see you call me a bitch, you say that I am fake but let me tell you something. You have made me this way. You made me antisocial, you made me angry, you rejected me and turned me in to this "evil asshole"

SO HERE ARE MY NEW YEAR'S RESLOUTIONS FOR YOU:

1. FUCK YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU DID TO MINE ALL 2006.
2. DON'T ASK ME FOR SHIT BECAUSE I AM NOT DOING IT BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T FOLLOW THROUGH FOR THE THINGS I ASKED YOU TO DO.
3. I COULD GIVE A SHIT LESS ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS, KEEP THAT TO YOURSELF JUST LIKE I DO.
4. DON'T TRY TO CHANGE ME BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE WHO I AM AND IF YOU DON'T YOU CAN BE REPLACED. PLEASE BELIEVE!
5. I AM GOING TO HAVE A GOOD YEAR AND I AM NO LONGER GOING TO LOVE PEOPLE WHO DON'T LOVE ME BACK NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS.

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!!!

Wow...

I was sitting here in my room waiting ont "The one who shall not be named" to call me, because he said he would. I just realized that this year is comming to a close.... This is the end of 2006..... It is going away and to tell you the truth I'm happy about it.. This was one of the worst years of my life and I lived through it.....  But it makes me think that eaisly I surived it but that means that it can get harder ... May be I won't be able to just go cry it all off.. I don't know if I'm handling things right.. What if everything I am doing is wrong and I am just not seeing it...

Why am I so unhappy. Why  do i go to parties and not have fun...I can't tell you when the last time I had fun real fun... I can't tell you the last time I went to bed and let out that happy sigh... It's been so long since I really felt that warm laugh in the inside..... What is the Deal???

2007 is not going to be different... and look at me... I'm right back where I started ending 2005.... alone and sad... Happy New Year's!!!

Soo...

I didn't make it ya'll "the one who shall not be named" and I are talking again... What is wrong with me??? Have you ever been in a stupid situation and just couldn't get out of it. This relationship is really like quicksand.. I can't get out.... I really feel like crying because all of you who really know me, know I don't want this..... I don't want this... But I can't let it go.... Man Why am I so stupid? No really? This needs to end but something in my body gets weak when he talks... UGH...

Tonight he came over and we watched a movie.... I didn't fell like I used to but It still felt good...